I know this is a phrase we hear a lot when people are whining. Why me? What did I do?
In this case, I'm wondering why two of the people I loved most have completely turned their backs on me and walked out of my life after years of supporting and loving them. I am, quite frankly, heartbroken.
First was my best friend. She started dating someone while I was out at school. Someone she knew I wouldn't approve of because he didn't financially support himself, had a criminal record, and engaged in illegal drug use. She knew I wouldn't think he was good enough for my 4.0, crazy-smart, incredibly pretty best friend. And she was right. However, even after running off with him and not telling anyone in her family that she was leaving, like a teenage lovesick girl... I still tried to maintain a relationship with her.
I was the one there for her when she needed me. I was there when her boyfriend walked out and didn't visit for the end of her pregnancy or the first month of raising her daughter alone. Then, the baby daddy waltzes back into her life and suddenly her best friend of over twenty years means nothing again. Nothing. I was only the one to hold her child so she could get a nap in after staying up all night, even though I'd just gotten off of working 3rd shift and really needed sleep myself. The one who repeatedly gave her rides places, made sure she had everything she needed, and threw her a baby shower. But apparently years of friendship and supporting her emotionally mean nothing now that he's back in the picture, because he despises me.
Sorry, I guess, for thinking my best friend deserved someone who could financially support their child, and doesn't take off for months at a time. But this is only the first abandonment I've experienced in the last year.
The second was my sister. The one who would wake up when I had night terrors and calm me back to sleep when I was little. The one who used to play games and make forts with me. She said even as she cut the rest of our family out of her life that she still wanted a relationship with me. And then, just like that, she blocks me on facebook and stops contacting me, even though I'm only a town away.
She asked me to be her maid of honor at her wedding before the split. Now, I sit and look at her announcing she just got married. A wedding I wasn't invited to. And pictures of her baby girl that mutual friends are sharing with me. A baby I will never get to hold.
And I wonder what I did to lose both of these women who were so close to my heart. People I put time, love, and caring into because they were so dear to me. What did I do to be abandoned by them?
Sometimes I wonder if my mental illness pushed them away. That maybe my months of depression just got to be too much for them. Maybe they got tired of the pain I tried to hide, knowing I may never be able to marry or have kids because of my illness.
I wonder if I was too much of a burden for them. If maybe, I'm really a burden on everyone and they are mostly too polite to admit that their lives would be easier without me. My best friend and sister certainly appear to be happier now.
I really hope they are happy. I only wanted the best for both of them. I love them. I miss them.