Gems of Truth

I envision our search for knowledge and truth like this:

You are casting about in the dark, using a torch to seek out precious shining gems of truth. Upon finding them you gleefully run back to your little room where the walls are covered with gemstones, already gleaming on every side. You lift up the torch, feverishly searching the walls, pondering a place to store your newest treasure. Finally you see just the right spot, high up on the wall, and stick the stone into the slot. The gem fits perfectly, and shimmers prettily in its new home.

You sit back for a second, peacefully admiring all of those lovely gems you have gathered. But there are many empty spaces remaining, waiting to be filled. You turn back, determined to find the rest, and begin your hunt anew. Finally one day, the last gem is discovered; the last slot is filled. You sit and admire your handiwork, taking comfort in the knowledge that you have learned everything there is to know; filled up every space. Then you see a light approaching, brighter than your own, and another person enters your sanctuary.

They carry with them another rock, unlike any you have ever seen before. They offer it to you, smiling, and you stare at it in shock. There is no space left to put it into your walls. They are completely filled, and now you have a gem whose value is obvious, but you have nowhere to keep it. Baffled, you turn to your new mentor unsure of what to do. They smile, lifting their light higher and pointing upwards. Above the highest point on your wall, you spy even more empty slots that you had never seen before. The new stone fits easily, and there are many more places to be filled.

You glance back at your mentor in despair, but they just pat you on the shoulder and touch their torch to your own. Yours flares brighter, and then your mentor departs. You are left alone with all of your gems, and a lot of work left to be done. Setting your face into a determined but pleasant smile, you head off into the world to find more gems of truth to store up for yourself until the second coming.

Tapestry

Okay, here’s how I see it, refute as you will.

God is watching over us, this world of ours sitting before him, with time running by as a giant tapestry. He has many different colored threads representing the people of various calibers who could fulfill each completely necessary role within the sphere of history. He also knows to what level he can rely upon these people to use their agency in the way he needs them to, for them to be at specific fixed points in time that HAVE to happen to make the plan work. At time he puts challenges in their way or takes someone out of their life to influence them toward specific points, but he cannot MAKE them choose anything. He’s gently coaxing along events that need to happen, without being able to directly change them through the people themselves, because of their agency.

So he sets up situations, trials, etc. and uses their own personality and normal reactions to guide them toward that point. They can still CHOOSE to walk away from it completely, but the majority of the time they make the right set of choices to fulfill the biggest blessings set out in their P.B.

However those who don’t follow the prescriptions: scripture study, prayer, faithfulness… will not receive the blessings laid out, because they didn’t strive for them.

My own patriarchal blessing is so full of things I can barely even accept the scope of that it’s daunting, to say the least. But it’s exciting too, as I continue living as a disciple of Christ, to see where I could end up…

My Struggle...

I try to push myself and do well until suddenly a part of my brain just seems to shut off, and I stop caring entirely. Sometimes the rest of my brain is yelling, SCREAMING, for that part to WAKE UP and try something! But it won't. I end up in bitterly frustrated tears because I can't force myself to ACT. I feel like a ghost looking at myself in exasperation and wailing in agony as I watch my grades plummet and my life fall apart under my inattentive fingers.

Some days I just want to buy a ticket and hop the first plane home. To just give up, because it stopped being worth it a long time ago. And then... I remember why I'm here. Why I'm pushing myself through this morass of homework and painful self-hatred every single day. Because the Lord loves me and can see my future clearly, the future I can have if I keep trying.

I have days where I feel like the scum of the earth, sucking up people's tithing money and doing nothing useful in return. A parasite on the world. Lower than dirt. Then I remember that I'm a daughter of God, and he has a plan for me. I might be dirt, but he loves that dirt dearly and wants that dirt to be carried on the winds of change, landing in some distant place and growing something amazing...